


fireworks and fallout

by Shoulder_Devil



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: (he's not), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Kidnapping, Rescue Missions, Wilde is fine, saving an idiot from the consequences of his own hubris, snark and puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:08:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17721398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoulder_Devil/pseuds/Shoulder_Devil
Summary: A display of fireworks kicks off a very bad day for Oscar Wilde.Canon divergence taking place after episode Onelty Single (111)





	fireworks and fallout

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Flammenkobold](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flammenkobold/gifts).



> WILDE. IS. FINE.  
> STOP ASKING
> 
> is he though?

  
“What do you mean, ‘he’s on his way back to Damascus?’” Grizzop was practically vibrating as he spoke.  

“He has important work to do in the city.” Azu’s solemn voice was heavy with concern. “If something is not done soon, about the water, about the work, there will be more riots.”

“And you let him go _by himself?_ We just found out a cult of evil squizards--”

“Calamagi,” Sasha deadpanned.

“--infiltrated the Meritocracy. We just destroyed their Simulacrum factory, and not in a subtle way either.”

“Well,” Sasha scuffed heel along the metal grating, “technically Hamid’s granddad did the blowing up.”

“Exactly my point!” Grizzop hopped to his feet and started gathering his things. “That’s  _two_ Meritocrats in less than as many months that have come out to shoot fire at a problem. Big things are happening and the Hades lot are going to start making their move, if they haven't already. It’s not a good idea for any of us to wander off alone.” He gestured with his bow. “Especially with the white-suited, teleporting pincushion of evil still out there trying to make deals.” 

"Wellington?" Hamid ventured.

"If you like." 

“And what would you suggest we do?” Azu set her shoulders, dreading an answer that would take her back through miles of cramped tunnels.

“Someone needs to stay here but I’m going after him. He’s just as likely to keel over from exhaustion and die of exposure the way he's been acting. Not thinking straight, that one.” Grizzop shook his head. “Forgets to bring a carriage, honestly.”

Sasha hid a smirk behind her hand.

“I’ll go with you.” Hamid volunteered. “Not wandering off by yourself should apply to you as well.”

Sasha cranked her daggers into their spring loaded sheaths. “I'll go. You should stay here with Azu. Keep the lights on.”

Azu stood a little straighter despite the enclosed space. “I don’t need magic to see in the dark.”

“It’s a fair copper.”

She squinted at Sasha. “I do not understand what that has to do with our current situation.”

“It’s a... Metal, words... Don’t- don't worry about it.” Sasha dug around in her pack and pulled out an egg biscuit. “You hungry, Grizzop? I cooked ‘em up top. It’s gone cold by now, but I can heat it up on the glass outside.

“Be careful, you two!” Hamid called after them.

Grizzop waved without turning around, mouth too occupied with devouring the offered food to give more than a vaguely affirmative noise.

“Or I could use my fire dagger!” Sasha exclaimed moments after the last of the biscuit disappeared into Grizzop’s mouth. “Or, nevermind then.”

 

[CUT TO:]

 

Roughly an hour after Wilde parted company with the London and Other London Outstanding Mercenary Group he felt a series of insect bites. He hadn't bothered with prestidigitation since he'd struck out for Damascus. Deciding sweat was attracting bugs, he clicked his fingers to refresh himself and was rewarded with another jab on the neck. He cursed under his breath and pressed on. It wasn’t until his vision began to blur and his knees buckled that he realized the true nature of his problem. 

Several figures detached themselves from the rocks along the road, clearly waiting for him to succumb to the poison before getting too close. One of them shot him in the chest with another dart when he stubbornly refused to pass out. Wilde’s pride wished he had run afoul of some kind of teleporting hit squad rather than what appeared to be a cluster of opportunistic brigands. It would have been nice to have that as an excuse rather than the embarrassment of being waylaid so easily while too preoccupied to notice the six people who now surrounded him.  

Wilde fought to keep his wits through the drug clouding his mind. He could barely think but he forced his hands to move. Electricity tickled at the tips of his fingers as he formed the familiar spell that would send bolts of energy at his attackers. If he could just reach it--

The magic slipped through his grasp like jellied eel to fizz against the edge of his awareness. Exhaustion and nausea rushed into to replace the discharge of failed magic and he fell fully to the ground. His spellcasting efforts had not gone unnoticed by his attackers as their leader rushed forward. The last thing he felt as consciousness failed him entirely was a sharp kick to the ribs.

 

[SLAM CUT:]

 

“Slow down, Grizzop!”

“Can’t! He’s got hours head start on us.” Grizzop called over his shoulder without slowing. 

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“You’ve done a great job of pointing out tripping hazards…” Sasha trailed off, unsure of how to phrase her complaint without causing offense. The rapid padding of feet in the pitch darkness ahead of her slowed to a stop then scraped along the floor as Grizzop turned to face her.

“Buuuut?” 

“Grizzop, it’s- It’s nothing personal.” Sasha didn’t need her eyesight to know Grizzop was bracing himself for a personal attack.

“Go on." he prodded

Sasha scratched her head and cast her eyes downward. “You’re,” She took a deep breath and pressed on. “Kinda... short.”

“By human standards, yes.”

“Well this human has cracked her head on three bits of ceiling so far.”

Grizzop’s ears shot up in concern. “Oh! do you need--?” He clapped his hands and rubbed them together preparing to ask Artemis for the power to heal his friend.

“No, I’m fine, it’s not that bad, just… We need to slow down. And you need to look up more often and warn me about low hanging pipes so I can duck. The dark doesn't bother me but I’m used to sneaking ahead, not running behind.”

He huffed out a noise of displeasure. “No time for slow. Don’t you have a torch or a lantern or something?”

“I mean, yeah,” she admitted sheepishly. “But I didn’t want to use it up. Might need it later.”

“We can get another one in Damascus. And a helmet too while we’re at it.”

“I’m not so clumsy I need a helmet!”

“To put the light on, so you can see and still use your hands.”

“Oh.”

“Dancing Lights are fine for you lot but if Hamid gets distracted by something and they go out, you two will be blind. Good idea to have a backup in case we get into trouble.”

“If Hamid’s lights go out in a fight I don't want to paint a literal target on my head by wearing the only light source in the room.” Sasha grumped. “I’m the stealthy one, remember?”

“Fine,” Grizzop sighed. “We can find one that has some kind of shutter if it’s that important.”

Sasha looked in the direction of his voice as she reluctantly dug through her pack for a lantern. “It is.”

“Either way, we’ve done enough standing around. We need to get moving again.”

 

[CUT TO:]

 

Everything hurt.

He’d woken up bruised, bound, and -the true tragedy to a master conversationalist like himself- gagged. A rough canvas bag over his head completed the new ensemble forced upon him. Wilde made a mental note to ask after the haberdashery that produced such a piece but a twinge of pain from bruised ribs reminded him it would be in his best interests to keep his sarcasm to himself. At least until he determined how much they needed him alive and (relatively) undamaged.

To his further indignity, they'd lashed him to a camel, if he had to judge from the disgruntled, nasally sounds it made whenever it's handler gave a command. It’s incessant swaying did nothing to abate the throbbing in his head. Whatever poison they used gifted him with a hangover worse than any he had earned through even his most extravagant nights of excess.

He groaned against the cloth stuffed in his mouth and tested the rope binding his wrists behind him. A clout to his head and a muttered threat in Arabic stilled Wilde’s struggles for the time being. Upon waking Wilde had been assured, in English, that if he cooperated he would be released soon and without further harm. They neglected to say what he was expected to cooperate with and his current state left him unable to ask. Even if he didn’t speak fluent Arabic, Wilde wouldn't have needed to eavesdrop to know how utterly full of shit they were. He wasn't getting released anytime soon. Their near complete lack of subtitly was almost refreshing despite his current situation.

“I’m telling you,” said a tired voice in Arabic on his left, likely the one who’d just hit him. “If it was important enough for Apophis himself to leave his gilded pyramid and fly all the way over here, then even information on what it _was_ could be very valuable.”

Unless there had been a sudden influx in the underground market for novelty stained glass, nothing left on that mountain would be of any use to anyone. Well, maybe the adamantine but they would never find it unless they already knew it was there. For once Wilde kept his thoughts to himself. The longer it took them to figure out he spoke their language the better.

There was a deep sigh from ahead of him. “I’m not saying you’re wrong--”

“Thank you.”

“But, given the choice between a smoking pile of rubble on a mountain top and a high level Meritocratic agent just full to bursting of juicy information… Which do you think is worth more?”

There was a pause followed by a resigned, “the posh, English wizard.”

 _“Irish!”_ An indignant Wilde muttered through his gag before he could catch himself.

The one ahead brought the animal to a stop. He crunched deliberately over the gravel path to just next to Wilde. A rough hand pulled the bag from his head, taking more than a few strands of hair with it.  _Oh, he'll pay for that_   Wilde thought, scowling. 

A figure robed against the desert heat leaned in to speak next to his ear. “What was that then?" He paused, regarding his captive. "Got something to say?”

Wilde bristled but kept his tongue.

“That’s what I thought.”

The camel resumed its swaying beneath him with a garbled groan. A noise far to similar to the beast he was riding bubbled up Wilde’s throat as he fought down a fresh wave of nausea.

“He doesn’t sound all that well, shouldn’t we check on him?” The one on his left asked.

“We’re nearly there. Besides, didn’t you see the light show earlier?” He made direct eye contact with his prisoner. “Wilde is fine.” He chuckled and probably would have twirled his mustache if he’d had one. “Stop asking.”

 

[CUT TO:]

 

Grizzop paused to examine a patch of gravel on the edge of the road. He crouched down to run his fingers over the disturbed earth then leapt up to run over to a dead branch discarded behind a boulder with a triumphant cry. “Tried to cover your tracks but you have to wake up pretty early to shake a paladin of Artemis from your trail!”

“We all slept past midday, Grizzop. I’d say most of Damascus was awake before you this morning.”

“You know what I mean,” he scowled. “Looks like they went off the main road here. At least four people, maybe more, hard to tell on a road like this. Most likely human judging by the stride length, and one of them had a camel.”

“And you’re sure they have Wilde?”

“They attacked _somebody,_  dragged them off the road, and loaded them on a camel. Wilde didn’t leave a calling card but it makes the most sense for it to be him.”

Sasha adjusted her studded leather jacket to shake free the image of Barret strapped to Topaz. “Alright then. Can you track them?”

“Can I track them?” Grizzop knocked on the crescent moon and arrows emblem on his breastplate, “Goddess of the hunt, remember? Of course I can track them.”

She swept her arm in an ‘after you’ gesture and followed Grizzop off the main road. Before long the hidden path became more obvious. The entrance had been heavily disguised but this far off the road, hiding it from view became less of a priority. Every so often other trails would break off, Grizzop considered the third such branch heavily. 

"Looks like they split up here." 

"Which one do we follow?"

Grizzop chewed his lip for a moment before declaring they should follow the branch. "The camel went this way. I haven't seen any indications of dragging or a person carrying another so he must still be on it." 

As it wound its way around outcroppings Grizzop agreed they should prioritize stealth over speed and Sasha took point. She practically melted into the surroundings as she scouted ahead. If he focused, Grizzop could track her but the moment he looked away she was gone. He clutched his bow, ready to nock and draw at her signal. He nearly sent an arrow into the underbrush when she startled him with the all clear from behind.

“I could have sworn you were over there,” he whispered through his teeth.

One side of her mouth quirked into something that was almost a smile. “That means I’m doing my job, doesn’t it?" She gave him a friendly shove. "Must have woken up before you today.”

He rolled his eyes. "Did you find anything?”

“I saw this lizard, right? Started off brown and black but when I tried to catch it turned red with blue stripes!”

“Sasha--”

“I nearly had it then I thought, no, probably make my hand go numb as soon as I touch it. Gotta be careful with lizards.”

“Sasha, that’s very interesting, but did you find Wilde?”

“Right, sorry, just lizards, you know?” Grizzop nodded for her to continue. "There’s a cave not far from here with some shady looking people setting up camp. I didn’t _see_ Wilde but I heard something that sounded an awful lot like the time you punched him in Hamid's bank in Cairo.”

“Oof,” he winced, remembering the incident. “I guess we better get down there. How many people did you see?”

“Five, maybe more in the cave.”

“Well, that’s not good but we don’t have time to go back for the others.”

“If we’re quiet, we can take out at least half before they know what’s going on.”

“Then let’s be quiet.”

A genuine smile split Sasha’s face as she twirled her daggers. “They’ll never know what hit ‘em.”

 

[SLAM CUT:]

 

“I spy, with my little eye, something that begins with… D.”

Hamid sighed. “Darkness?”

“No.”

“Damp walls?”

“No, but that is clever,” Azu admitted. “I should have picked that.”

The game was wearing on Hamid but he was determined to keep Azu distracted while they waited for Grizzop and Sasha to return. It seemed to be working at least.  She was certainly more relaxed than when they first arrived. He hoped the others came back soon, the chamber wasn’t visually appealing enough for a prolonged game of I spy and they were rapidly running out of things to name.

“Damascene construction?” he ventured.

“No.”

Hamid felt the magic he held alight wane and prepared to recast-  _oh!_

“It’s Dancing Lights, isn’t it?”

“It is! Very good, Hamid! Now it is your turn.”

The light dimmed and steadied, reflecting off the water puddled on the floor.

Hamid took a long breath in through his nose, considering his choices. “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with T.”

 

[SLAM CUT:]

 

His guard tightened her grip on a thick quarterstaff as shouts from outside echoed down the cave. The afternoon sun made it nearly impossible to see anything beyond the entrance. Her eyebrows tightened with worry as she looked back and forth between Wilde and the commotion outside.

“Stay put or you’ll regret it.” She prodded him with the end of her staff for emphasis before leaving to aid her companions.

As soon as she turned away Wilde was scrabbling behind him for any sharp edge he could use to cut himself free. The cave walls were frustratingly smooth but he remembered seeing sharper rocks outside. It was slow going but he managed to inch his way toward the mouth of the cave.

He’d been so focused on getting himself outside, Wilde hadn’t noticed the yelling had stopped. Three bodies lay on the floor of the ravine, including the woman who had been guarding him. 

Wilde barely had a chance to breathe a sigh of relief before an arrow whizzed past his head to bury itself in the sand behind him. The open cave wouldn't offer much protection from an archer, not that Wilde was in any position to get to it quickly. He curled into the tightest ball he could, hoping to present the smallest target possible.

He flinched as two more arrows flew overhead followed by a gurgling cry and the soft thud of a body hitting sand.

A high pitched voice floated down from above. “Come on out. Surrender and we won’t have to kill all of you.”

Grizzop. Wilde groaned at the realization. He was never going to live down getting rescued by Grizzop of all people. Especially after their conversation this morning.

“Suit yourself!” Grizzop called down when no one answered.

Wilde caught a flash of movement in the shadows. The sigh of blades sinking repeatedly into vulnerable flesh belied the presence of Sasha Rackett.

Great, just great. At least Sasha knew how to be discrete, when it suited her.

He looked around but didn’t see any sign of Hamid al-Tahan or of Azu (what  _is_ her second name?). The former could conceivably still be hiding but despite his many failures of perception he would certainly have spotted the pink glow from the paladin of Aphrodite if she were here.

A hand grabbed a fistful of his jacket and hauled Wilde more or less to his feet. He slammed his head backward and managed to score a glancing blow against the last (he hoped) of his assailants. The small victory was short lived as he felt a blade press against his neck.

“Show yourselves!” Came the shout from behind Wilde. 

Grizzop stepped from behind a large rock, arrow drawn and ready to loose. “Put the knife down and let him go.”

“Where is the woman?” Wilde winced as he pushed the knife harder into his skin. “If I don’t see her by the time I count to ten, I’ll spi--”

It happened so fast, Wilde couldn't tell in the flurry of motion if it was Sasha’s daggers or Grizzop’s arrow that hit the man first.

“You should try looking behind you, mate.” Sasha quipped as he slid off her daggers and collapsed to the ground.

He nearly pulled Wilde down with him but Sasha caught him by the arm before he overbalanced and fell. “Something like this really tests your _mettle_ , doesn't it?”

Two flashes of her blades and Wilde was pulling the gag from his mouth and massaging the circulation back in his hands. “I'll admit to appreciating your help ironing out the situation.”

“Speaking of, looks like these blokes have a serious, um, iron... shortage.” She laughed awkwardly. “Because blood has iron in it. And most of their blood…”  
  
“Yes, Sasha, I got that one.” He cleared his throat and took a drink from the flask she offered. When water hit his tongue he grimaced and passed it back. 

“Oh, good. I wasn’t sure how _sharp_ you would be.” She bent down to wipe her dagger on the fallen man’s robes. “Thought you might miss the _point_.”

“You certainly cut to the chase.” A click of Wilde’s fingers restored his clothes and hair to pristine condition but did nothing to soften the drawn look on his face. “How did they find you so fast?”

“Wot?”

He gestured to the dead man at his feet. “The ransom demand.”

“We never got any kind of ransom demand. Grizzop was worried about you going off on your own and insisted we come after you.”

Wilde shot a look to the goblin climbing down from his sniper’s nest. “He’ll be insufferable.”

Sasha didn’t say anything more as Grizzop hit the ground and trotted over.

“I hope you’re reevaluating your limits since _clearly_ you haven’t got the  _slightest_ idea when you’ve blown right past them.” He was building up the steam for a full blown lecture but pulled up short when he saw the state of Wilde. He refrained from saying 'I told you so' or even alluding to being more disappointed than angry to settled for a tired sigh and a shake of his head. Grizzop turned to Sasha, “how are you holding up?”

She held out her arm where a knife scored her leather coat to part the flesh beneath. “One of ‘em got in a good hit but I’m mostly okay.”

“Right, stand next to him.” Grizzop lowered his head, eyes closed and ears slumped forward. His hand traced along the symbol of Artemis on his breastplate as he muttered a quiet prayer. A wave of healing energy pushed forward to bathe the two humans.

“Aw, thanks Grizzop! Much better!” Her magic in her leather coat continued to slowly knit it back together over her now unbroken skin. "I'm going to double check this lot. Don't want to get jumped if any of them wake up after your..." She mimed casting a spell. 

"Good idea." Grizzop turned more fully to Wilde. “How about you? I can’t tell past all the illusions you’ve got up.”

“That took care of the worst of it.” Wilde brushed himself off. “Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get down to Damascus.”

“Wilde, give me your hand.”

Wilde narrowed his eyes suspiciously but extended his hand anyway. Quick as a snake, Grizzop smacked the back of it. “All that and you still haven’t learned anything!” 

“As much as it touches me that you care, what I may or may not have learned has little to do with the pressing nature of my work.”

“It’s too dangerous for you to go off on your own.” Grizzop fumed.

“You’re certainly welcome to accompany me, Grizzop but I believe you have urgent matters of your own to attend to. I can promise you that I’ll be more careful in the future.”

“I don’t believe you.” He looked to Sasha. “What he needs is someone to keep an eye on him.”

Sasha’s confused look shifted to one of amusement when she saw the rock Grizzop pulled from a pouch on his belt.

“I’m not a child in need of a nursemaid. I can handle myself.”

“Oi, Einstein!” Grizzop shouted at the rock.

Wilde’s eyes shot wide. _“Einstein!?_ What do you mean Einstein? What _is_ that?”

A hollow voice echoed around them. “Hello? Grizzop? Is that you!? You're reception isn't very good. Are you in a tunnel or something?”

“Uh, I guess? I'm sort of in a cave."

"That explains it! Well, what do you want?"

"I need a favor. Can you come here? It would be easier to talk in person.”

“Oh, my _god!_ Give me a second! I’ll be right there.”

Wilde backed up to lean against the wall. “You can’t be serious."

An excessively toothy grin split Grizzop’s face as he crossed his arms. “Don’t worry, I’m sure the two of you will get along famously.”

The air between them shimmered as Albert Einstein popped into existence. “Okay, Grizzop! What is you wanted to talk abou-- WOW! Where are we? This is really nice! I love it. Not so much all the dead bodies, but the scenery really is really top notch.” He spun around to take in the ravine and stopped when he spotted the woman keeping to the abundant shadows. “Oh, hi Sasha! I didn’t see you there at first.”

“Well, that’s kind of the idea.”

He dipped his head down to take in the nearest corpse. “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“Anyway,” Grizzop interjected.

“Yes! You wanted to talk!”

“Actually, there is someone I wanted to introduce.”

“Oh!?”

Grizzop took Einstein by the arm and turned him to face Wilde. “Albert Einstein, meet Oscar--”

“Woah, that tall child looks terrible. Get some rest, tall child. You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends."

“Wilde,” Grizzop finished.

By now, Wilde had buried his face in his hands and was muttering, "This can’t be happening. I must have a concussion. I’m hallucinating."

Unperturbed, Einstein grabbed Wilde’s hand and rapidly pumped it up and down. “Pleasure to meet you. Wilde is it? I’ve seen your articles. I haven’t read any, but I’ve seen them. Not so much lately, though.”

He straightened to face the wild-haired German, regaining some of his composure. "Unfortunately my other work has left me will little time to write of late. And I don't think that will change anytime soon.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“But--”

“I haven’t seen a paper in a language I can actually read in over a month. I have _no idea_ what is going on.”

“That’s nice, glad you two are getting along.” Grizzop stepped in to cut off their conversation. “I’m sure the two of you have loads to discuss but first it would really save us all some time if you could teleport us back to Hamid and Azu.”

“Sure! No problem! Where are they?”

“In the exact opposite direction of where I need to go!”

“Hush, Wilde.” Grizzop scolded.

Sasha snickered under her breath. “Yeah, Wilde, the grownups are talking.”

Wilde huffed as Grizzop described the tunnel and chamber to Einstein.

“You want him to teleport you underground.  _Him?”_

“No,” Grizzop grabbed hold of Wilde’s arm in one hand and Sasha’s in the other. “He’s going to teleport _us_. Hit it Einstein!”

Before Wilde could protest the air around them shimmered and the ravine disappeared.

 

[CUT TO:]

 

“Hello!” Einstein shouted as soon as they appeared in the underground chamber.

Hamid yelped and fell back into Azu who steadied him and continued speaking, “--omething beginning with E.”

“Really, Azu!?” Hamid clutched a hand to his heart and focused to bring his breathing under control.

“It is my turn," she stated plainly. 

The hafling nodded an acknowledgment to the newcomers. “Wilde.”

“Hamid, that does not begin with E.”

“Einstein.”

“No, it is not Einstein.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’? He’s standing right there.”

“Yes,” she admitted, “but that is not the answer.”

“We can stop playing now, everyone is back.” He paused to reconsider, “Everyone plus two.”

“Correct! That only took three guesses, you are very good at this game, Hamid.”

“Thank you?”

“As riveting as all this is,” Wilde interrupted. “I really need to get to Damascus. This detour has really set me back.”

“Oh, no you don’t!” Grizzop tightened his grip on Wilde’s arm. “Einstein!”

“Oh my god, what!?”

“I want you to make sure this 'tall child' gets some rest. Is there somewhere you can take him where he can do that?”

“I know just the place, great spot for napping. Very relaxing. No screaming whatsoever.”

“Great! Sounds perfect.”

Wilde pulled free of Grizzop. "You do realize what you’re doing is to deliver me from the hands of one kidnapper to another.”

“He’ll put you back eventually.” Hamid soothed. “Well, we’ve got a water supply to track down before the city tears itself apart with rioting. Bye, Oscar!”

“BYE!” Einstein threw an arm around Wilde's shoulders and disappeared.

“So, Grizzop turned to face the others, satisfied in a job well done. “Now that that's settled, where were we?”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, not sorry for Einstein using a John Mulaney bit. It was too perfect not to use in this context.
> 
> I may have taken some small liberties with the nuances of the magic system. It's been years since I've played 3.5 and I've never played Pathfinder. Fortunately it's all available online! Unfortunately I tend to lose several hours to random curiosity clicking whenever I look something up.


End file.
